As time goes by . . . Celebration of Tim Gartside’s life

by Peter Howie

On the 26th of November last year Tim Gartside surrendered his connection with this mortal coil. Tim had a way with words and I think he would have enjoyed that sentence. In more common language we might say ‘he died’. Tim had a particularly nasty cancer that he was diagnosed with earlier in the year.

Initially he went into hospital to have a benign growth removed from near his stomach. It was removed and then tests showed it was malignant and nasty. He went back for more surgery and a large part of his intestinal musculature was removed.

He was given a few months to live. Chemo was offered but the research on the cure was entirely inconclusive. He had one series of chemo and decided that chemo was a diabolical process of inhuman proportions. Afterwards he decided to manage his illness, his state of mind and to live a good life and a good death with his family. This he managed to do. He planned his passing and discussed various options for his life celebration.

He was set up at his family home and his pain was well managed. Only a day or so before he died he was communicating with friends and family as they visited, with a few words and a few hand squeezes. On the morning of his death Melanie, his wife, sensed early in the morning that Tim was leaving and called their children, Imogen, Hannah and Jessie as well as Mel’s sister from England, to his bedside. They were with him as he slowly withdrew and died.

The ripples went out and community and friends were informed. Tim’s immediate family had a close personal service during the week before Tim’s celebration. This allowed the family to mourn and celebrate with some privacy, which suited.

The Celebration was held on December 8th, at the St Lucia Gold Club conference centre, in a large conference room that Tim loved and had recently used for a one-day conference he had sponsored. The Celebration programme had been planned with family, friends and colleagues to meet many needs.  I was invited to be the MC for the day, a role I was able to enact. Participants were invited to wear something yellow. It was Tim's  favourite colour and he wore it often. Yellow blossomed on the day.

People began to turn up from 8.30 am and by the 10am starting time there were around 250 people present. People kept coming and about 350 finally came along. We had different elements to the celebration and I will mentions those that stood out.

Sociometry at the opening showed there were many sub groups present – old school chums, family and extended family, friends, University friends, spiritual journeymen, exercise colleagues, friends from England, friends from different jobs, friends from adventures, friends of family, psychodrama colleagues, Open Sphere colleagues, work colleagues, friends of his recently deceased mother. These groups were scattered throughout the large crowd. At the end I asked for the group of people that are local community members that have come because they knew him from around the place. This was the largest group, the neighbours, and showed me that Tim was a person who connected with those around him and formed strong relationships.

Many people from ANZPA had sent me condolences for the family or things to be read at the celebration. I had different colleagues read out the offerings early in the proceedings. There were a number of family and friends who added their own responses. These were quirky and passionate. An old colleague and friend read a eulogy about Tim’s early days. A film from the last program Tim had been at was played. A series of slides were projected from a wide range of Tim’s life. A few songs were sung. Tim’s children read out some thoughts about their dad and some of the good and bad about having him as a dad. Their love was palpable. The relationship between these two grieving people, one for the other, was very touching to me.

Towards the end, people were invited back to the family home for a meal and to express extra and other thoughts relating to celebrating Tim’s life. Tim’s family had reached their capacity to take in other’s view of their father and husband/life companion. It was time to close. As a final gesture we did a whole group circle dance, which led everyone out from the conference room to a beautiful area under a large very green mango tree overlooking the greens. We had been meeting and working and celebrating together for three hours. People were embracing, thanking one another and finding ways to remain connected. Back at Melanie’s place there was a good spread and family and friends ate and chatted and shared quiet moments.

There are times when I would like to call Tim and get his support for stuff. He was an avid supporter of ANZPA and bringing creativity into the world. We’d talked about what we might do if he made it through this one. In some circles he definitely has made it through. I would prefer he was still around on this plane. I am reminded of both Tim’s strength and weakness, handled by the quote: "until one is committed there is hesitancy...boldness has genius, power, and magic in it "(Goethe).

Tim became committed to all sorts of remarkable things. His boldness was recognised at the Celebration, as was his genius with its attending power and magic. He was also entirely human and we shared great moments where we were both filled with hesitancy and concern.

All the best
Peter